My Contribution: Personal Growth

I want to tell a story of Personal Growth. It is not only possible, it is happening. (First step, I stayed in bed for a while and started working on my thoughts. What else did I have to do? I had the not-leaving-the-house-scenario down pat. My mental illness supplied me with incredible amounts of pain… huge vats… I used to visualize. Hmmm. My body hurt every movement. Come to find out I had a vitamin D deficiency for 10 years or more. Fixing that helped a lot. Now I am practicing putting the pain down and stepping away from it, ha ha.) I am stepping up to health and health consciousness by watching Sandra and investigating/intending more healthy ways of being, eating, and supplementing. While I am at it I am recording what I observe/intend. Writing all this is healing me and I am hoping it can help heal others, as well.

I like this 'dealing' with pain and not 'feeling' it so much. It's not exactly gone but it's leaving in new ways every day (its fluidity allows it to flow on through this body of 99% space) and the stretching opens up more space, as does the breathing. I do stretches all day. I breath deeply twice every 5 minutes. I respirate resourcefully. I keep learning more stretches on the senior citizen YouTube videos. I can apply these stretches each 5 to 10 minutes. I can detox and write and move. When I catch myself slumped over… I stretch for 40 to 60 seconds, both sides of my back and then settle into good posture. I do this every time I catch myself slouching. This happens on average 3 times an hour at the computer. I am intending that Falling into a slump causes the Resourceful behavior. Slouching stops the energy flow in my body. Trapped energy is not resourceful, I have observed its destructiveness (violence).

I am moved to tears so easily, like before, only now they are all about inexpressible Joy. The brain/mind is a slow poke. Now, Joy is the definition of Mania. It used to be disaster. The energy is manageable in this new place I live and play. I no longer have to medicate control over the energy.

I am noticing echoes. They feel strong (almost as strong as the emotions they come from). They are in my brain/mind and I can physically 'feel' them in my body. They are not real. They are the dying gasps of the old way (egoic mind). I spent some time with the echoes today. Writing about them brings the feeling close. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this story. It is not as important as the Wellness that is happening to me. Hmmm. I hear you, fears, I know you are there. I do not want to hear your words distinctly, however, because that is the path of non-resourcefulness. I see things differently now. Fear is gone.

Emotions, you have always been so incredibly important to me. You have been my messengers… how will I let you go? Hmmm. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Can I redefine what you mean in my life? You are skills and I don't want to let you go. I can redefine your energy. Yes. Emotions, I have heard you well. I understand now that the brain/mind is to keep me updated on the physical world, without having to make all those judgments about what is 'good' or 'bad'. I have released incredible energy and the directive force in my life is ultimately Resourceful. All I need to do is watch my thoughts and resourcefully intend with clarity, faith, and certainty.

All I have ever done in this incredible 50 years is give. The energy is coming back multiplied by about a gazillion times. (Sure, I contributed to suffering, but I seriously overpaid that debt.) I had a savings account all this time that I was totally unaware of. And I fed it everything I had… I never met someone as easy to get what is in my pocket or in my abilities. I love to give. There is just nothing better. Giving is my wings. It looked like a serious defect in the old way, but it is the highest goal in this new way.

All I need to do is watch my thoughts and resourcefully intend with clarity, faith, and certainty. Yep, that's it. The doing will then happen. Yes, this was difficult for me in the past. I understand those fears. I think the NVC is working in my conversations with myself, making them more resourceful. ( That is very interesting. I am extremely interested in NVC. This is great.)

I was looking at a website to start my own business today. That's all very interesting and it starts the echoes all a echoing. These echoes seemed to have a fair amount of energy within them. Now, I am releasing that energy from the (non-existent fear) echoes. I need it. Thank you very much! This is total loss of ego/self.

I just observed myself grimacing in pain when I reached across my desk chair to pick something up and the grimace turned into a smile and a feeling of Joy ( I felt Joy because I noticed the grimace). That is an interesting construct. I can react to the pain like it feels good. This construct will lead to the death of debilitating physical pain in this body. I can refuse to let pain destroy my life. I can live with or without it. This is the ultimate not judging something good or bad. Its existence in my life changes nothing.

I still live in the moment and determine what is best and healing for my body. I finally got that negative spiral stopped and turned around. I am well. I am well , is my new Resourceful story.